Shadows Fall…

•November 29, 2014 • 12 Comments

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I am a shadow, a shadow of my former self left in the wake of what was supposed to be a standard procedure. Once active, striving or success, following my dreams and making damn sure they happened. Only to find myself stranded and frustrated wherever my crutches decide to fall. They are my enemy yet they strive so much to help…

I’ve become tormented and have lead myself into addiction & total self-destruction. But its not just me, they’re affected too. I feel like the captain of a a sinking ship bringing everybody else down with me & they deserve more. They’re going to get more. much more…

But amidst all of everything unwanted, I am still a spiritual seeker, I am still a breather & I’ll always be 99.9% empty space.
I’m house-bound with chronic pain finding ways to fill my time & writing is one of them…

Change…

•November 27, 2014 • 4 Comments

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Well it’s been a while since I wrote and there hasn’t been any positive changes regarding my health. I had my second Hip Arthroscopy in August to no avail and the pain and muscle deterioration continues to get worse. And the depression! Fuck me it’s powerful and it has easily been winning the battle with me, I just need to make sure I win the war.

I’ve created an enormous rut for myself and have developed a habit of blocking out my troubles by smoking copious amounts if cannabis. It helps at the time and I can see how it helps chronic pain sufferers but for me, and my lack of discipline with regards to moderation it’s definitely doing me more harm than good. I realise this now. I’m going clean. No drink or weed for me. Just a straight head and determination from now on in…

Now for the actions…

I found it once

•March 14, 2014 • 20 Comments

I need to find it again… That feeling of enlightenment… I experienced it for about a minute a few years ago and I’m yet to find it since… It felt good…

Just about Broken

•February 23, 2014 • 6 Comments

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept the position I’m in, I thought by now that a certain amount of the negativity running through my veins would have subsided, yet it has only increased and is growing rapidly…I’m frustrated and I’m angry at the same mundaneness of my days, degraded I can hardly do much for myself and quite frankly, tired of this burdening existence…

Call me wallowing & yes, I most certainly am, I’m angry and pissed off!!! I can not and never will be able to accept this way of life because as well as being house-bound (which I could probably come to terms with) the lack of diagnosis which I know I’ll never get is leaving me more isolated than I could have ever imagined. How am I ever supposed to accept this when I don’t have a clue what it is I’m accepting? No one knows what’s wrong with me!!!

I always say to myself there are people worse off than me, people who are house-bound with a condition science proves they are not going to get well. Ever!!! I don’t have that, there’s hope for me somewhere in the universe, my health isn’t set in stone as there is no diagnosis so I tell myself to ‘get a grip!’ But what the fuck is it I’m meant to be doing and what if I never find it? If I knew, I would dedicate every single second in every single day to whatever it is in order to get my health back that’s for sure…

What to do…

•February 12, 2014 • 6 Comments

It’s hard not to give up when realising each treatment plan tried seems to only be making things worse…

Although there is no date set as of yet, I’m due to have another Hip Arthroscopy on my right hip but I’m worried sick of the outcome due to the surrounding muscles, and more, being in such a bad way. The annoying part is that through research there is no definitive answer to my worries… I’m confused…

I’ve had 3 MRI/Arthograms since my last operation in 2009 & it was only the last one that showed I have a ‘new’ tear, my surgeon said it could have been there since the last op but why am I not experiencing any pain in my joint like before my last operation, each morsel of pain I feel is muscular, and why wasn’t it noticed before??? Something inside is telling me not to have this operation but my loved ones think the opposite and to be honest, I probably would if the roles were reversed!!!

Try, try and keep on trying…

•January 31, 2014 • 2 Comments

It’s been just over a week since I started a new Pilates programme and over the last couple of days my pain has increased enormously… I’m trying to compare it with the good pain I used to get after a heavy session in the gym but the contrast goes from black to white… This morning I woke up with really intense back pain, burning and tingling down both of my legs and a robotic walk worse than ever, I just can’t fathom it out… I am not expecting miracles in any way but surely this pain is a sign that I’m doing something wrong!!!

Maybe I’m reading too much into it and all of what I’m feeling physically is to be expected if I’m ever to recover, if only I knew… Anyway, regardless of this I’m trying to stay positive and trying to focus on that glimmer of light that was there a few days ago… I’ll visualise myself sat pain-free with my legs crossed and continue to run my affirmations around in my head with the belief I will get better…

Health Update…

•January 27, 2014 • 4 Comments

So it turns out I have another Labral tear and bone impingement in my right hip joint which will require another hip arthroscopy (key-hole surgery) to repair the tear and trim the bone… Initially I was adamant not to go through with it due to my worsened situation after my last one but it appears I have no other option, I’m sedentary & I just can’t live like this anymore…

I know most people will think the decision to have the op would be a no-brainer, after-all, an MRI doesn’t lie… But when you end up in such a position as mine after the same operation 5 years ago and the surgeon pretty much advises against it, the decision for the go ahead is all the more harder to make, that being said, my negative attitude in the consultation probably rubbed off on him… As for when I’m having the operation, there is no date set as of yet, I would imagine it will be about 4 months from now…

In the meantime I have started a brand new Pilates programme to try and get my muscles in as best condition possible, I’ve ordered a reformer and other pieces of equipment so I can do studio exercises at home on a daily basis…

2014 is going to be my year and is the time I stop blocking everything out and tackling whatever is in my way for a better quality of life…

 
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