I found it once

•March 14, 2014 • 2 Comments

I need to find it again… That feeling of enlightenment… I experienced it for about a minute a few years ago and I’m yet to find it since… It felt good…

Just about Broken

•February 23, 2014 • 1 Comment

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept the position I’m in, I thought by now that a certain amount of the negativity running through my veins would have subsided, yet it has only increased and is growing rapidly…I’m frustrated and I’m angry at the same mundaneness of my days, degraded I can hardly do much for myself and quite frankly, tired of this burdening existence…

Call me wallowing & yes, I most certainly am, I’m angry and pissed off!!! I can not and never will be able to accept this way of life because as well as being house-bound (which I could probably come to terms with) the lack of diagnosis which I know I’ll never get is leaving me more isolated than I could have ever imagined. How am I ever supposed to accept this when I don’t have a clue what it is I’m accepting? No one knows what’s wrong with me!!!

I always say to myself there are people worse off than me, people who are house-bound with a condition science proves they are not going to get well. Ever!!! I don’t have that, there’s hope for me somewhere in the universe, my health isn’t set in stone as there is no diagnosis so I tell myself to ‘get a grip!’ But what the fuck is it I’m meant to be doing and what if I never find it? If I knew, I would dedicate every single second in every single day to whatever it is in order to get my health back that’s for sure…

What to do…

•February 12, 2014 • 6 Comments

It’s hard not to give up when realising each treatment plan tried seems to only be making things worse…

Although there is no date set as of yet, I’m due to have another Hip Arthroscopy on my right hip but I’m worried sick of the outcome due to the surrounding muscles, and more, being in such a bad way. The annoying part is that through research there is no definitive answer to my worries… I’m confused…

I’ve had 3 MRI/Arthograms since my last operation in 2009 & it was only the last one that showed I have a ‘new’ tear, my surgeon said it could have been there since the last op but why am I not experiencing any pain in my joint like before my last operation, each morsel of pain I feel is muscular, and why wasn’t it noticed before??? Something inside is telling me not to have this operation but my loved ones think the opposite and to be honest, I probably would if the roles were reversed!!!

Try, try and keep on trying…

•January 31, 2014 • 2 Comments

It’s been just over a week since I started a new Pilates programme and over the last couple of days my pain has increased enormously… I’m trying to compare it with the good pain I used to get after a heavy session in the gym but the contrast goes from black to white… This morning I woke up with really intense back pain, burning and tingling down both of my legs and a robotic walk worse than ever, I just can’t fathom it out… I am not expecting miracles in any way but surely this pain is a sign that I’m doing something wrong!!!

Maybe I’m reading too much into it and all of what I’m feeling physically is to be expected if I’m ever to recover, if only I knew… Anyway, regardless of this I’m trying to stay positive and trying to focus on that glimmer of light that was there a few days ago… I’ll visualise myself sat pain-free with my legs crossed and continue to run my affirmations around in my head with the belief I will get better…

Health Update…

•January 27, 2014 • 4 Comments

So it turns out I have another Labral tear and bone impingement in my right hip joint which will require another hip arthroscopy (key-hole surgery) to repair the tear and trim the bone… Initially I was adamant not to go through with it due to my worsened situation after my last one but it appears I have no other option, I’m sedentary & I just can’t live like this anymore…

I know most people will think the decision to have the op would be a no-brainer, after-all, an MRI doesn’t lie… But when you end up in such a position as mine after the same operation 5 years ago and the surgeon pretty much advises against it, the decision for the go ahead is all the more harder to make, that being said, my negative attitude in the consultation probably rubbed off on him… As for when I’m having the operation, there is no date set as of yet, I would imagine it will be about 4 months from now…

In the meantime I have started a brand new Pilates programme to try and get my muscles in as best condition possible, I’ve ordered a reformer and other pieces of equipment so I can do studio exercises at home on a daily basis…

2014 is going to be my year and is the time I stop blocking everything out and tackling whatever is in my way for a better quality of life…

Beyond Inspirational

•January 5, 2014 • 4 Comments

I watched the film ‘Jack’ the other day and his graduation speech at the end has got to be one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard so I had to share…

Eric: Yo, Jack, go get ‘em.

Howell: I got it, Eric. I’m cool…my speech. I don’t have very much time these days, so I’ll make it quick — like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times. And we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry, thinking, “What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?”

But I say to you, “Hey, look at me.” Please, don’t worry so much, ’cause in the end none of us have very long on this earth. Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky, when the stars are strung across the velvety night, and when a shooting star streaks through the blackness turning night into day — make a wish think of me. And make your life spectacular. I know I did.

Just A Note…

•September 28, 2013 • 4 Comments

It didn’t matter then, but it does now,
The spoken words of hurt and misery left in tow…
A hint of self-worth but in me I loathe,
This shit I’m living in, my fixed abode…

For strive and passion are words of memories,
Time has led to this other non-entity…
The laughter is here, still roaming somewhere,
The tears have hopefully lost the battle there….

The long and drawn out days are plenty,
So much time to re-fill from empty…
Use your time wisely, maybe read more books,
Find something, remove the barrier and stop getting fucked…

Over the years a habit has produced,
A tug of war between me and the noose…
But do not worry that time has gone,
Pressed between pages, broken and torn…

This was just a note with feeling,
A subconscious pro towards my being…
So stop the drinking and bring forth a smile,
Fuck the past, this shit’s about now…

 
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